


Feel Again

by aprilrubies



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Addiction, Drug Dealing, Drug Use, Drugs, Heartbreak, Heavy Angst, Jisung is just really sad okay, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minho just wants to love Jisung, Sad, Summer, Summer Romance, Tattoos, Teenage Rebellion, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-05-15 03:42:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19287403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aprilrubies/pseuds/aprilrubies
Summary: To: MinI just want to feel alive, please understand.[Read 02:47]





	1. Euphoria

**Author's Note:**

> hello, im back with my first stray kids ff. i love them, they are my ults and i have so many wips for stray kids but i am still working on all of them. this was originally going to be a longer, chaptered fic but i got bored and also i feel like it works better as a oneshot. if you guys want a follow up i might be able to write an epilogue or something  
> excuse the poor writing, im a bit rusty haha
> 
> ps for context purposes, minho and jisung are both in highschool but minho is a year older. they share a class but they don't know each other.
> 
> pps this was inspired by some pintrest boards i made for [jisung](https://www.pinterest.com.au/valenlimes123/skz-mood-boards/drop-kick-kick-flip/) and [minho](https://www.pinterest.com.au/valenlimes123/skz-mood-boards/narcissist/)

Sprinting through the darkness with one shoe missing. 

Jisung was on the run.

**To: Min**  
I just want to feel alive, please understand.   
_[Read 02:47]_

 

+

 

The seat in the corner of the room sat empty. 

“Minho.” 

The person who used to sit there had stopped coming. 

“Minho.”

Maybe the boy who used to sit there missed his seat.

“Minho.” A sharp finger jabbed Minho’s ribcage. 

“What do you want Changbin?” He looked over at the short male in the seat next to him. He was wearing long earrings today. Minho watched as they shook gently. 

“Did you do the homework?” 

Minho nodded, tugging at the zipper of his backpack. Pulling out his notebook, he displayed the three pages of chicken scratch called ‘homework.’ 

“Dude, you wrote so much.” Changbin flicked through the pages in awe. 

“I had nothing better to do.” Changbin scoffed. 

“There are always better things to do than homework.” 

Minho just shrugged and turned his attention back to the seat in the corner. Sunlight warmed the empty desk. He could see the black Sharpie graffiti, even from the other side of the room. 

_HAN JISUNG IS KING_

Han Jisung. With his shaggy blonde hair and scrappy converse. His stupid skateboard and his ugly stick-and-poke tattoo. His loud laugh and all-consuming smile. 

“Dude, what the fuck does this even say!” Changbin whined, pointing at a line in Minho’s notebook. 

He was trying to copy the homework. 

 

+

 

The final summer before graduation was spent getting tan under the relentless rays of the sun and climbing the children’s jungle gym at the local park.   
Minho wanted to turn back the clock. Back to the haze of the beach at midday. Back to the sticky heat of his bedroom at night. 

Minho met Jisung while he was piercing his ear, one Wednesday afternoon sometime during July.   
The boy had watched as Minho was being pierced, eyes wide in wonder at the shiny gem glittering in Minho’s left helix. 

“Nice earring.” A voice called from behind as Minho paid for the piercing. 

He was picking at the skin around his thumbnail, awkwardly shuffling his feet. 

“Thanks,” Minho smirked. “And you are?’

“Jisung. Han Jisung.” 

Beautiful.   
Jisung, with his innocent puffy cheeks and scraped knees, was beautiful.   
Minho wanted him. 

But, like a butterfly caught in a hurricane, things spiralled. 

It only took three days for Minho to fall in love. Jisung was young and wild, with a wicked mouth.   
Days spent running through empty back lanes and catching random trains without a care for the destination.   
Nights spend in Minho’s darkened room, lips catching and eyes ablaze.   
He had never felt so free. 

Jisung told him the meanings of all his tattoos and Minho showed him the operation scar on his stomach. 

“You could get a really cool tattoo with that.” Jisung stroked the silvery skin that stretched across Minho’s abdomen. 

“I prefer my skin ink free, thank you.” Jisung snickered.

“You would look hot though.” 

The ancient air conditioner rattled in the corner of Jisung’s room. The two boys lay on the floor, basking in the watery sunlight leaking through the blinds. 

“Don’t I look hot already?” Minho sat up. 

Jisung scoffed. “You’re hot and you know it, bitch.” 

“Shut up mop head.” Minho ran a shaky hand through the younger’s hair. Jisung always made him unexplainably nervous. He was a flighty thing, skating off on his board whenever he felt so inclined. “We need to cut your hair.” 

“I like my hair.” Jisung pouted. 

“But you look like a rejected Muppet. Only Animal can pull off this kind of look.” 

“Maybe I am Animal.” Jisung quirked an eyebrow and bit down gently on his bottom lip. 

Minho giggled and reached up to pinch the younger male’ cheek. “The only animal you are is a cute little squirrel.”

“Shut up.”

Minho just laughed again and lowered his hand, leaning up to kiss the soft skin where he had pinched. 

 

+

 

Jisung had gone missing two weeks before school started back up for the year.   
Minho had pulled up to the boy’s house one temperate morning, expecting to see him waiting on the curb. After 5 minutes of waiting Minho punched Jisung’s number into his phone and let it ring. He was met with nothing but dial tone on the other end of the line. 

“He’s probably still asleep.” Minho got out of the car and walked up the front lawn. Jisung’s mother answered the door with a look of surprise. 

“What are you doing here Minho?” Mrs Han smiled politely, glancing scornfully at the near see-through shirt Minho was wearing. He knew Jisung’s parents didn’t approve, but he didn’t care.

“Is Jisung still asleep? I came to pick him up but he isn’t answering my call.” 

“What? I thought he already left with you. He got into a car a few hours ago.” 

Minho bit his cheek. “Ok, I understand. Have a nice day Mrs Han.”   
The woman nodded and closed the door on him.  
“Han Jisung where are you.” Minho scowled and stalked back to his car. The sun had heated up the upholstery on his car seat, burning his bare legs. 

**To: Ji <3**  
Babe, where are you?   
I thought I was coming to pick you up  
 _[Delivered 10:14]_

Reaching into his dashboard, he pulled out a lollipop - cherry flavoured. Popping it into his mouth, Minho would then proceed to drive off and spend the day at the beach, not thinking about the text until the sun had set later in the evening. Jisung wouldn’t respond. 

 

+

 

The window to his bedroom was open and a pair of worn-out converse were chucked halfway across the carpet. 

Han Jisung was sprawled out on the bed, blonde hair still in desperate need of a haircut. 

“Why are you here?” Minho stood in the doorway, frowning at the bottle of amber liquid in the younger male’s hand. 

Jisung didn’t say anything. His twiggy arms poked out of the loose t-shirt he was wearing, black and grey ink crawling along his skin. Minho could see a plethora of designs, most likely made by Jisung himself. 

_He always was creative._

“Why are you here?” Minho repeated, moving over to stand by the bed. 

“Your house is the best Min.” Jisung sighed, wriggling around on the mattress. 

“Jisung.” 

“What?”

“Why. Are. You. Here?” The blonde sat up. 

“Isn’t it obvious?” Minho scowled deeper. “I missed you.” He took a swig from the bottle in his hand. 

“Are you drunk?” 

“Possibly. Depends on what your definition of drunk is.” He smiled crookedly. “I missed you Min.” 

“Jisung, where the fuck have you been?” Minho spat. “It’s been three fucking months.” He snatched the bottle out of the male’s hands. 

Jisung’s eyes widened, a red flush creeping up from his neck. “I needed time. You know this Minho.” He got up off the bed, arching up in an attempt to match Minho’s height. 

“I get that, but I would have liked to be told before you just vanished off the face of the Earth!” Minho ran a hand through his hair. “Do you know how scared I was that something happened to you?”

“I was fine. I know what I am doing.” 

“Then why are you here?” He seethed. “If you missed me then you would have let me know you were okay.” 

“Why are you being such an asshole about this?! I am here, I am safe and I want you.”   
Jisung placed a hand on the elder’s chest. 

“You want me now? After all this, you finally want me back.” 

“I wasn’t okay three months ago! I would’ve ruined everything for us!” Jisung cried.

“And you aren’t going to now? What did you even do while you were gone?” Minho stepped away, pushing Jisung’s tiny hand off his chest. He had dreamed about holding that hand. 

“I can’t tell you, Min.” He looked down at his socked feet, so small. 

“Get out.” Minho pointed a shaking finger towards the window. The rancid smell of gin and sewers invaded his sensed. He was too close. 

“Minho…” Jisung whispered. 

“Out.” He scurried over to the window and collected his shoes. 

 

+

 

Minho said “I love you,” first. They were sitting on the top of a jungle gym in the local playground, eating ice cream and sharing a can of beer. The sun had set less than 20 minutes prior but the stars had already started to show, dotting up across the sky like nightlights.   
Jisung was sharing a story about the one time he tried to graffiti tag a school building, eyes wide and hands moving almost as fast as his mouth was. He threw back his head and laughed like a madman mid-sentence, never having enough self-control or patience to get through a full story without getting distracted. Minho just watched his face, eyes tracing the gentle slope of his nose and the jut of his jaw. Jisung had a tiny scar on his cheek from his attempt to climb a chain metal fence in his youth. He didn’t even notice Jisung had stopped talking.

“What?” the male asked, scooting closer. 

“Nothing, I just love you.” Minho gave a tiny smile and looked away towards the stars. 

Jisung smiled back and moved to lean his head on Minho’s shoulder, nearly knocking them both off the jungle gym in the process. Between clinging on to a railing for fear for his life and attempting to salvage his ice cream, Minho didn’t realise that Jisung never said it back. 

 

+

 

Minho would receive one phone call in the three months that Jisung was missing. It was from an unknown caller ID, but Minho still had a feeling that he knew who it was. 

Quiet sobs echoed down the line. 

“Jisung,” Minho whispered. “Come home.” 

“I’m sorry,” Jisung sniffed. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was leaving.”

“Everyone wants you to come back babe, please.” Minho could imagine Jisung huddled in a phone box somewhere clutching the handset like a lifeline. 

“I can’t Min.”

“Can you at least tell me where you are?” Minho dragged a palm across his eyes, feeling the wet from his eyelashes transfer onto his hand. 

A pause. “Somewhere really far away.”

Minho just sighed. “Why Jisung. Why did you run away?”

_“I’m sad Minho. I don’t feel anything.”_

“Anything?”

_“Anything.”_

“Then… what about me? Did you ever actually feel anything for me?” Minho felt his chest tighten and placed a hand on the nearest surface to brace himself. 

He could hear Jisung’s strangled breathing down the line. _“I’m sorry~”_

“Fuck you.” 

_“Minho, please. I thought if I at least tried~”_ Jisung begged. Minho could tell he was crying again. 

“Tried what, Jisung? Tried to learn how to love me back?” Minho screamed into the phone.

Jisung didn’t say anything this time. Minho heard muffled sobs as the phone was gently placed back onto the receiver. 

Minho listened to the hang-up tone for so long that he forgot that he was even listening to it. 

He couldn’t cry. The second Jisung hung up the phone, Minho felt all tears that wanted to be shed, disappear. Instead, he sunk into the corner of the room and stared at the wall opposite, not moving even when his mother banged on his bedroom door to call him down for breakfast. 

He felt light, but he couldn’t move his legs. There was nothing in his chest – no pain, no sadness. Just empty.  
Was this how Jisung felt? Minho couldn’t imagine living like this. Part of him wanted to be furious; he wanted to scream and kick and cry until he collapsed from exhaustion. He didn’t even know who to blame. Was it Jisung? Or was it Minho’s fault? Maybe he didn’t work hard enough. 

_The worst part is that I still love him._

 

+

 

Autumn had rolled around and then came winter. Minho rubbed his hands as he sat in the school cafeteria, trying to warm the blue from his fingernails.   
Lunch was a bore. Woojin was at student council, Chan was home sick and the younger kids were off gallivanting through the halls somewhere. Changbin was rattling off a list of all the new video games he wanted to buy and why.

Minho sucked on his cherry lollipop. “I want a tattoo.” 

Changbin stopped his rant. “You want a tattoo? Why? I thought you hated them.”

“Someone inspired me to get one.” 

“Well, I mean go ahead. Tattoos are cool.” Changbin grinned and bit down on his sandwich. “What ’ya gonna get? 

“Not sure yet.” Minho pulled the candy out of his mouth with a satisfying ‘pop.’   
“Maybe a skateboard?” 

“I have a cousin who knows a tattoo artist, I could hook you up if you want.”

Minho shook his head. “Nah., I think I wanna get a stick and poke.”


	2. Ecstasy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened to Jisung when all the feeling stopped

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This work was originally going to be a oneshot but some of you wanted to see what happened to Jisung so here it is. I am not sure if this cleared up any confusion or answered any questions, but this served mostly as a venting piece for me.
> 
> If any of you are sensitive to drug usage or mental health I would advise reading with caution, this piece is pretty heavy on the angst. 
> 
> Hope you all enjoy, love Ruby

Jisung was sad. 

Now, this was not a new occurrence. He had felt sad when his goldfish died in sixth grade. He had felt sad when his next-door neighbour moved to a different city. He had felt sad while watching Titanic, like every sane person.

But this sadness. 

This one was new. 

It felt different, like a deep ache that spread throughout his entire body. He wanted to run, to scream till his lungs gave out, but he also wanted to do nothing at all. 

It was hollowing, this sadness. 

+

Sitting in a sunny classroom on the first day of junior year.  
Jisung had recently acquired a new packet of sharpies, opting to test out their chiselled tips on the glossy wood finish of the school desks. 

“HAN JISUNG IS KING.” 

That one was his favourite one. 

Although he smirked at the little crown he had drawn in place of the dot on the ‘i,’ Jisung couldn’t bring himself to feel any semblance of joy. 

Instead, he continued to draw that same crown, over and over, until he had filled up three fresh pages of his new exercise book. 

“That doesn’t look like algebra, Mr Han.” His teacher loomed over his desk. 

“Sorry, Sir.” Jisung mumbled, not paying any heed to the teacher’s warnings. 

Sure enough, later that day, Jisung found himself sitting in the front office, filling out ten A4 pages with the same sentence: 

“I, Han Jisung, will pay attention in class.” 

+

Minho was unlike anyone Jisung had ever met. He was smart, funny without trying and achingly beautiful. 

He was notorious throughout the school for being unattainable, impossible to pin down. 

Jisung would often watch him from across the schoolyard, observe as he smiled coyly at anyone bold enough to glance his way. 

It was sheer luck that he had run into him at the piercing salon that one random Wednesday in July. 

Jisung had entered with the intent to gain a new piece of shiny jewellery that he could wear, something that would make him feel pretty and distract him from the ugly hole in his heart. 

The older male barely winced as the needle was pushed through his ear. Jisung watched on in awe. 

He left the parlour that day with a new earring and a phone number. He smiled slightly as his beat-up Converse propelled his skateboard along the burning tarmac of the sidewalk. 

+

He had been introduced to Jae through his older brother. The male was tall, impossibly so, and ran a rather successful underground drug cartel business. He had become good friends with Jisung’s older brother Younghyun after dealing to him a few times. He was the one who gave Jisung his first-ever taste of ecstasy – literally. 

The second the pill hit his oesophagus, Jisung knew: this was what pure freedom felt like.  
As the vibrant colours and distorted images overtook his vision, Jisung allowed himself to be consumed in the feeling, not realising the consequences of his actions until several hours later. We would awake, cold and alone, in a park. There was a bruise adorning his left ribcage and a headache so formidable Jisung could barely hear himself think. 

Later that day, he would find himself collecting his inkpot and needles and carefully poking ‘ecstasy’ into an unmarked patch of skin on his left forearm. 

**From: Jae**  
Hey kid, you wanna help me out sometime?  
_[Read 20:56]_

\+ 

Jisung knew Minho was in love with him. He could tell by the way the older male would look at him - as if Jisung was the only person that existed. 

In theory, it would feel euphoric.

Jisung wanted to love Minho back, he really, really did. 

As the months stretched on, and Jisung grew to learn every inch of Minho’s glowing skin, he would often find himself thinking about what it would be like if things were different. 

In the beginning, Jisung had thought that the beautiful male would be the cure to all his ailments, a way of filling up the emptiness inside. 

He truly tried his best, giving out every available shred of energy he had to the elder in hopes that one day, maybe, just maybe, Jisung could feel something back. 

He almost did, or at least that’s what he thought. 

It was an absolute scorcher of a day, and Jisung had found himself following Minho around the overly chlorinated waters of the local pool. He knew he was going to get burned so badly he would look like Satan’s ass cheek the next morning, but he didn’t care.  
Looking at the way the sunlight bounced off the water droplets covering Minho’s skin, the way his hair turned into spun gold under the sun.  
Anything was worth it, no matter the cost.  
Anything was worth it to make Minho look at him again the way he did that day in the pool.

The gentle quirk of the older male’s lips as Jisung tugged him forward by the waistband of his swimming shorts. The hot puff of breath onto Jisung’s mouth. The way he kissed Jisung back passionately despite being in an extremely public place. 

It was almost ecstasy. 

Jisung wanted to say it then. Wanted to tell Minho he loved him with every fibre of his being. 

He just couldn’t. 

Later that night, when the sun had set and Minho had kissed him goodbye as he dropped him home, Jisung cried. 

The hole in his chest tore wider and wider, each tear spilt taking a little bit of Jisung’s heart with it. 

He couldn’t tell Minho he loved him because that would be lying, no matter how badly he wanted it to be true. 

The next morning, when Jae’s beat-up green jeep pulled up at Jisung’s front door, he got in and didn’t look back. 

+

The phone call. 

The single most painful experience of Jisung’s young life. 

He had been half drunk when he made the call, already crying as he punched in the familiar number into a phone booth ninety miles away from home. 

Hearing Minho’s voice over the phone stung like a branding iron, the sharp words slipping from the older’s lips lashing Jisung’s already fragile soul. 

He knew he had messed up, hearing how shattered Minho was. 

He had broken something beautiful. 

He, Han ‘King’ Jisung had broken the single most exquisite thing the world had ever seen.

He didn’t even blink as he took the pill bottle from his pocket, swallowing down the tiny white capsule of happiness. 

As the world vanished into colours and swirls, Jisung vowed to never break something again. 

+

Out of the countless number of tattoos littering Jisung’s scrawny frame, only one of them had been done professionally. 

He would have done it himself, but the tattoo he had in mind was too delicate for his wayward mark-making skills. 

He wanted this tattoo to be perfect, just like the person it was dedicated to. 

The tattoo was a cat, tiny lines inked onto his left pectoral. When he placed his hand over the cat tattoo, he could feel it moving steadily along with the weak beating of his heart. 

It had been over a month since Jisung had last had ecstasy. 

He was still empty, still the same unmeasurable coldness. 

But for the first time in a long time, Jisung smiled, and he felt it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Thank you for reading.  
> I hope you enjoyed and that this little follow up was satisfactory. I understand that it might not be as polished as the first chapter, but I wrote this one in a much more, how shall I say, unstable frame of mind haha. 
> 
> Anyways, remember, there is someone out there who loves you, you are worthy of everything and you are strong and amazing and can get through this. Drink water, eat good food and sleep as well as you can. 
> 
> I love you all a lot,  
> ruby

**Author's Note:**

> hi, so you made it :D  
> i hope you enjoyed haha


End file.
